Interview with the Author

The following transcript was taken from an exclusive interview with self-proclaimed "aspiring author" Christie Eastvedt (CE). (IV) represents the "InterViewer".

IV: So Mrs. Eastvedt, first of all - thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me. As an "aspiring author," I'm sure your time is very valuable to you.

CE: Why did you do that?

IV: I'm sorry?

CE: That...that... (uses first two fingers of each hand to make quotation marks in the air) that quotes thing?

IV: Oh, well I just meant that for an author, we have yet to see any published works. Am I right?

CE: That would explain the "aspiring" part, wouldn't it?

IV: Ah yes. So, are you...working on any books right now, Mrs. Eastvedt?

CE: You can call me Christie.

IV: Is that the name of your current work-in-progress?

CE: Huh?

IV: You Can Call Me Christie?

CE: Your name is Christie too?!

IV: No! No I thought... I mean... My name is Ed.

CE: Nice to meet you Ed.

IV: And you, Mrs. Eastvedt.

CE: Christie.

IV: Right. So... are you working on anything?

CE: Oh, I've got some ideas. Look, I was under the impression that this interview concerned my recent weight loss and you guys wanted to know how I did it and all that. You are from some kind of health magazine, correct? That's what I'm here to discuss -

IV: Right well, I just thought, maybe -

CE: That's all I'm going to discuss.

IV: I see. So... well you do look great, I must say.

CE: Thank you.

IV: I mean really amazing.

CE: And I'm married.

IV: So am I.

CE: Just so we make that clear.

IV: Alright.

CE: So...

IV: So... what?

CE: ... well I didn't prepare any questions!

IV: Oh! Oh yes, sorry about that.

CE: You're forgiven.

IV: Anyway, so yes... your recent weight loss... you've lost... how many pounds now?

CE: Eight. Over about six weeks.

IV: Eight pounds in six weeks? That's it?! That's the BIG story I'm supposed to get from you?

CE: Well I wasn't exactly obese! I just put on a little Newlywed 15 if you know what I mean and I decided it was time to get rid of it. So I did. End of story.

IV: Well, not exactly "end of story". I mean, 8 pounds is hardly 15 if you catch my drift.

CE: I'm going to lose it!

IV: Whoa, calm down!

CE: No, not lose it lose it, I meant lose it... the rest of the weight.

IV: Uh huh...

CE: I am!

IV: Mm-hm...

CE: (sighs)

IV: So how are you doing it? Some miracle weight loss food? Special tropical jungle juice? Some famous personal trainer? Some drug not yet legal in the U.S.?

CE: No, no. Nothing like that.

IV: Then what?

CE: Just eating healthier. Smaller portions. Fewer ingredients. Exercising a little every day.

IV: Right.

CE: I'm serious.

IV: Sure.

CE: Seriously!

IV: Well, you know, that's not exactly the story our readers want to read.

CE: What would you know about stories people want to read?

IV: Well... I am a writer.

CE: What's that supposed to mean?!

IV: I just think I know a thing or two about what sells, having had quite a few of my articles published.

CE: Ooooh I see. You're a published author, wow-ee! Come to rub it in my face? I told you - I'm working on it!

IV: No! Honestly, I only meant to defend my questions. It wasn't meant to be offensive.

CE: Alright.

IV: Alright.

CE: I'm sorry.

IV: It's fine. No big deal.

CE: OK.

IV: And you do look spectacular.

CE: Drop it.

IV: Right. So... you've lost...um..."all this weight"...So you really haven't written a book or a poem or anything in the meantime?

CE: This interview is over.

IV: No!... it's just... well... your fans would like to know exactly what you are doing with your life.

CE: I just told you.

IV: So you're eating...uh, that is... eating less...?

CE: And reading.

IV: Eating and reading.

CE: Sometimes I swim.

IV: Very impressive.

CE: It's pretty easy actually. I could teach you.

IV: How to swim?

CE: Yeah.

IV: No thank you.

CE: Scared?

IV: It's not that, it's just -

CE: You're scared! (laughs)

IV: I already know how to swim!

CE: Oh.

(at this point the tape ran out, along with the IV's patience. We had many more questions but unfortunately, we didn't get a chance to ask them)